It's like hanging out with me, except you're not

Follow me over here....

2010-10-03T12:31:00.005-04:00

I've decided to start littering the internet again. But I'm moving shop to the good people at Tumblr. Join me and together we can rule the galaxy......

http://bcarlton.tumblr.com

Netflix

2010-06-09T20:58:00.004-04:00

I've had this copy of Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban in my backpack for 10 months now. Which also happens to be the day I started a Netflix account. Not sure what is more embarrassing. The fact that I'm paying for a service that I'm obviously not using. Or the fact that the first movie I chose for my Netflix account was Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

Crane Machine

2010-05-15T14:08:00.002-04:00

I thought this was a little weird. I found these images on the side of a crane machine at the mall the other day. A cute little armless robot and green elephant hanging out with a busty tattooed lady all hanging out together.

Here she is with a bunch of other cute things piled into a taxicab. No one is wearing a seatbelt and they are obviously way too many people packed into the car. And where did the green elephant go?

Things that happen at work

2010-05-07T16:18:00.004-04:00

I got a new phone for my desk recently. Prank phone calls are about to hit a whole new level.

You see what I see?

Finally. Respect!!!

I'm bored with directors

2010-04-20T16:25:00.007-04:00

You know in movies when you see a board meeting and they are all sitting around a big fancy table with water pitchers down the middle. Everyone has a big cushy leather chair along with a special top secret binder with top secret information at each seat. And the person sitting at the end of the table has a large TV monitor behind them? I thought this shit only happens in movies.

Somehow I was elected into the Board of Directors for the College Stores Association of New York (CSANY). I know. I'm just as surprised as most of you.

Here are photos from my first board meeting.

The following joke didn't go over so well at my first meeting....

Apparently you need to be serious when you direct boards.

Shit you'll find on my desk at work

2010-04-17T14:59:00.001-04:00

End of a 3 week dynasty

2010-04-08T20:23:00.003-04:00

Spent almost 4 weeks growing a "beard". Unfortunately genetics prevents me from growing much facial hair. I got this far and couldn't take it anymore. Time to shave.

Revolution!

Time to conquer!

Harmony.

Eat me. I'm a big deal in Chicago

2010-04-08T20:15:00.004-04:00

My friends own a coffee shop called The Kitchen Sink located in the Edgewater neighborhood of Chicago. Today I found out they named a sandwich after me. Though I wasn't consulted on the sandwich, I happen to like all of those ingredients. They even drew a little picture of me on the sign. And if you knew me you'd know that I'm always wearing some sort of windbreaker. Nicely done Jeff and Ally.

What's behind door number 1?

2010-04-01T20:36:00.004-04:00

Went to use the bathroom and saw this note hanging on the door.

My first thought was to avoid whatever nightmare was in there. Then curiosity got the best of me so I opened the door and saw this....

Not to bad. As a matter of fact it looked pretty good compared to most days.

Perhaps they were talking about this red hot mess that currently resides on my face.

Work sends me to Florida

2010-03-19T11:35:00.022-04:00

You'd think going to Orlando Florida on the company dime would be fun. Let me tell you something. It is!

When we landed it was raining like crazy. Then it got REAL dark out and this is what it looked like about an hour before the tornado hit. Yeah...a tornado. Welcome to Florida!

Me and my colleagues stayed at The Peabody Hotel. Pretty swanky place. Here's a photo I took about 20 minutes before the tornado touched down. Luckily for me I brought a raincoat. As an FYI to all of you...raincoats are useless during tornados.

Once the tornado passed we were able to check into our rooms. The room was pretty nice. I had a nice view of a swamp and the bathrooms were filled with duck shaped soap....

....and the bathroom had a television. I'm assuming the t.v. was so you wouldn't miss a second of your favorite show. You know how it is when you are watching Law and Order. Sometimes you can't miss one second of the story, cause if you do you're fucked.

And here the whole time I thought having a phone that could surf the web would revolutionize my crap time. Oh how wrong was I. Let me tell you something, having a tv in the bathroom brings crap time to a whole new level. The weird thing was you had to sit backwards on the toilet to watch tv. Which was uncomfortable. Later on I figured out that the tv is for bath time and not crap time. It makes sense to me now.

I was sent to Florida to attend an event called CAMEX 2010. It was held in this huge convention center that could hold many many huge conventions at the same time. Here's a sample of what I got to learn about...

Hey, learning about the challenges and gifts of a postmodern generation is incredibly important.

It's important. Trust me.

Down the hall from my conference was this....

I was thoroughly impressed at how many people were attending this. And how far people traveled to be there. I met a guy who flew in from California to see Tony Robbins.

Down the hall from Tony Robbins was this thing called Megacon where a lot of people were dressed like this.....

Obviously photos of Megacon would prove to more interesting than Tony Robbins and CAMEX put together. During my breaks between sessions I run down to Megacon and take photos of these amazing costumes.....

These ladies made these outfits on their own.

It's Peter Mayhew! The guy who played Chewbacca in Star Wars. He's much older now and uses a cane to get around. His cane was a lightsaber.

Who you gonna call?!

I begged them to let me sit in it. They said no.

I begged her to put me in a headlock so someone could take my photo. She said no.

The guy in the weird bug suit was this 40+ year old dude.

The guy in the middle wasn't dressed at anything but insisted he be in this photo.

He then made me take this photo somewhere around 10 times. Not once did he ask me to send him a copy or wanted to see them. He just wanted me to take the photo a shit load of times. I thought Snake Eyes was gonna kick the dudes ass. Batman stands in the back in total disbelief.

Beetlejuice was awesome. He looked and sounded like the character. I'm tired of pirates. Fuck Jack Sparrow.

These two were my favorites from the show.

But I wasn't there for Megacon. I was there to learn stuff. Which I did. We had longs days of education so to combat that many of these events throw parties after the sessions end. And there were lots of parties. Lots and lots of parties. My and my colleagues got invited to a luau.

Woohoo! Coconut tops!

Dolphins would swim up to you. That blip in the water is a dolphin. The woman on the beach was actually making these stupid "dolphin" sounds and was about to tell her that she was nuts. Then all of a sudden this fucking dolphins pops out of nowhere and hung out.

My director said "who got laid?" I said "this guy".

Thankfully the weather cleared up after two days of shit weather. I managed to get out with my co-worker and my director to do a little site seeing.

Palm trees!

The view from my hotel room. Swamp.

This is me and my co-worker Karen. Neither of us wanted to have our photo taken but our director insisted we sat down next to the fountain so she could take a photo. So this is us posing for the photo under protest.

She's protesting more than me.

This is my director and Karen. Same fountain.

Fancy restaurant down the street from our hotel.

Our hotel had this tradition of ducks living in the hotel lobby. So everyday the "Duck Master"..who has one of the coolest jobs around...would march these ducks down from the top floor of the hotel, where the ducks lived to the fountain in the lobby. It's a big tadoo. They roll out this red carpet and the Duck Master gets all these kids to assist him. Tons of people show up for this daily event.

Duck Master heads off to pick up the ducks.

Here they come!

There they go!

They made it. Safe and sound. Don't feed the ducks.

That was pretty much our trip to Florida. As much as I enjoyed Florida, I was pretty happy to go home to see my daughter.

Karen chose to catch up on Brad and Angelina news.

I listened to music....

And then prepped myself for any type of emergency situations.

Sorry for the lack of posting

2010-03-13T10:54:00.005-05:00

I've been in Florida for the last couple of days for work. This is how one preps for a trip of this magnitude........

Check back because I will be posting about all the zaniness that Florida brings.

Here's what Thursday February 11 was all about (in a nutshell).

2010-02-12T17:31:00.005-05:00

8:20 AM t0 5:00 PM

Went to work. Took photos of my desk, ate a sandwich and decided that I wanted to start referring to nachos as THE Nachos.

5:00 PM to 7:00 PM

Had dinner with my daughter. No pictures. Let's just say she's cute as hell.

7:00 to 8:30 PM

Went to Uncommon Grounds and surfed the web for a little bit. Found this video of Kitty vs Robot. Kitty wins. I have to pee but choose to go later.

9:00 PM to 11:30 PM

Attended the Haiti benefit concert in the new Arthur Zankel music building at Skidmore College with my a friend of mine. It's very crowded. Concert goes 2 1/2 hours. I wish I pee'd when I had a chance.

11:30 PM to 11:35 PM

Dropped off my friend and raced to gas station to pee. Also bought gas.

11:35 PM to 11:37 PM

And Vanilla Wafers.

11:37 to 11:55 PM

Ate the wafers while driving home.

12:10 AM

In bed.

You are what you eat

2010-02-10T18:55:00.003-05:00

I started the morning off with cheerios (no milk..just out of the box) and then had half of an orange for a snack. For lunch I had a salad made mostly of baby spinach, arugula, asparagus and carrots dressed with apple cider vinegar and olive oil. For dinner I had vegan lentil soup. Never in my entire lifetime have I ever eaten his healthy. My high cholesterol feels completely betrayed by me.

Dousing the fire in my throat

2010-02-09T13:05:00.004-05:00

My throat is currently getting it's ass kicked. I shall fight back with my #1 doctor recommended Chloraseptic.

Happy Birthday Kimberly

2010-02-03T21:26:00.005-05:00

This is my little brother. Actually this is Odd Job, one of the more popular villains from the early James Bond movies. But my little brother looks a lot like Odd Job only without the hat. My brother, whose name is David celebrated a birthday yesterday on February 2. Yes. Groundhogs Day. As you would guess, when we were kids there were a lot of inappropriate and very funny "back in the burrow" jokes. So much so that even my mom would join in on the fun from time to time. I normally like to celebrate my little brothers birthday by calling him at 7AM when I know he's still sleeping to wish him happy birthday. As he does every year, he answers the phone and complains about why I call him so early. Some years I'll call and hang up when he answers and then call back in 15 minutes when I know he's fallen back to sleep. When he finally answers he's all cranky and likes to tell me how he doesn't sleep well and wishes I would call later in the afternoon..blah blah blah. It's good to know that this year he didn't disappoint me. He even got a bit mad this year. More than usual. Man, old people can't take a joke.

I usually greet him with my usual "Happy Birthday Kimberly". The name Kimberly comes from when my mom was pregnant and was 100% positive that the life inside of her was going to be a beautiful little girl. They set up the room for a girl, picked a girls name and bought all these cute little dresses for their new daughter. Just imagine their faces when their cute little girl turned out to be an ugly, yet lovable little boy. So they ditched the name Kimberly and named him David instead, they traded pretty dresses for onsies with rocket ships and lions on them and quickly made plans to raise two little boys. My parents told me this story when I was 10. Worst mistake they've ever made. I've called my brother Kimberly ever since. And as you would guess there were plenty of fist fights over the fact that I would call him Kimberly.

Happy birthday little bro. Thanks for the 6 extra weeks of winter. Now would you please remove your head from moms crotch.

Waiting for my meatball to come back to me

2010-01-31T18:34:00.007-05:00

I was singing the song ON TOP OF SPAGHETTI to my daughter today and after singing the song for the 200th time in a row to her, I realized that the first two verses of the song are a metaphor for divorce.

On top of spaghetti

All covered with cheese

I lost my poor meatball

When somebody sneezed

It rolled off the table

And on to the floor

And then my poor meatball

Rolled out the front door

Not to get too personal, but that somebody who sneezed was me and I'm still hoping my meatball will come back to my spaghetti all covered with cheese.

Chocolate Chip Cookies and Santa Claus

2010-01-26T20:25:00.004-05:00

I showed up at work today and found a big ass plate of chocolate chip cookies on the break room table. They looked like your standard chocolate chip cookie except for one cookie........

This cookie!!!! Look at it!!!!

I considered putting it on Ebay but instead threw it in my mouth and ate it.

I overheard someone the other day say "Santa Claus is the most annoying person I know". I mean...how is he annoying? He's a dude who's primary job is to spread joy and happiness throughout the world. What's annoying about that? Yeah, his laugh can get under your skin a bit. But really? Annoying? I told the guy that I disagreed. He responded by telling me to mind my own business. I responded with "when it comes to Santa Claus, it's my bizz". The guy and his friend immediately walked away from me.

Dan...if you are reading this...when the fuck are we going to hang out?

A rare public political stance by yours truly...

2010-01-13T13:52:00.004-05:00

Way to fuck shit up NBC. There's no fucking way I'm staying up past 11PM to watch Jimmy Fallon or Carson Daly.

Dryer rehearsal

2010-01-08T17:13:00.005-05:00

My old band DRYER is getting back together after an 8 year hiatus for a show in March. It was pretty rough at first but I was pretty surprised to see how quickly the songs came back to us. The great thing was it was a lot fun to play with them again. And I missed that.

We've been rehearsing at Wilson Chapel which is located on campus at job #1. Here are some photos from rehearsal. Don't worry. We won't make you sing along.

Everyone on this side say "hey ho"

2010-01-06T19:27:00.005-05:00

I heard a live version of Girls On Film by Duran Duran at work today. At one point lead singer, Simon LeBond asks the crowd to sing along and demands that only one side of the crowd sings. He then makes the other side sing and insists they sing louder. About midway through this I realized that I really fucking hate this when bands/performers ask you to do this bullshit. Just sing the fucking song. Right? I paid hard earned money to see you sing. I didn't pay to hear the people around me sing. Making me or the people around me sing is like making me work at your concert, and that's bullshit. I just want to stand there with my beverage in one hand, a lighter in my other hand so I can hold it above my head once and awhile and then tap my toes to the beat of the song. Maybe even dance a little bit. If I'm singing, I can't do all that shit. Especially if I'm holding a beverage. Don't make me fucking sing along. I don't want to sing along. I just want to go to the goddamn concert and hear you play the goddamn songs that you and your goddamn band wrote. How hard is that? Not that hard dude. Not that fucking hard. Next band/musician that asks me to sing along is going to get an ass kicking. Mark my words.

The past couple of weeks

2010-01-05T10:02:00.003-05:00

Hey. Sorry about the lack of activity here other than an occasional post about..well..nothing. The holidays tend to overwhelm and completely get in the way of everything.

Here are a few things I've been meaning to post.

I SWITCHED GROCERY MARKETS

I wouldn't advise doing this unless you had a really good reason to do so. I recently spent 30 minutes of my life walking up and down the aisles of my new grocery store in search of horseradish mayo.

IT’S ROBE YOU WEAR BACKWARDS

I would never admit to owning a snuggie. I would never buy a snuggie. But wouldn’t refuse one if I got it for a gift. Just saying.

SPANDEX DOESN’T HELP MY SELF ESTEEM, BUT I’M WARM

I recently purchased my first pair of base layers a few days ago and I haven’t stopped wearing them. Not sure how I’ve gone this long in life with out them. It’s sort of like wearing a spandex suit of warmth and when you put them on you kind of feel like Spider-Man. But instead of a superhero physic it’s more of a lumpy 40-year-old physic. At least in my case it is. What? I’m lumpy.

FAMILY GUY VS THE SIMPSONS

Family Guy is funnier. No need to argue with me on this one.

SIGNS THAT I'M GROWING UP

I use to hate eating ham. Now I love it. I'm growing up.

Drive slow dooders

2009-12-31T14:39:00.011-05:00

I drove past a few people who ended the last day of the year on a sour note.

Christmas movies

2009-12-24T12:37:00.004-05:00

It's Christmas time folks. I'll probably be watching the following movies (in no specific order) at some point during the next couple of days while guzzling down two bottles of wine and eating frozen pizzas.

Home Alone - I still laugh my ass off when Kevin puts the spider on the dudes face. And the weird lonely neighbor that the kids are scared of.....that's future me.

Elf - Because Zooey Deschanel is freaking hot and I honestly just like the movie.

Scrooged - Bill Murray is in it and Bill Murray is funny.

When Harry Met Sally - Because I'm a hopeless romantic. I always get teary when Harry is alone on NYE and realizes that he loves Sally, and then runs to the party to tell Sally he loves her. RUN HARRY!!! RUN!!! I'm getting weepy now as I write this.

Star Wars Trilogy (original) - Because it's Star Wars. Lightsabers,the Millenium Falcon, Stormtroopers...... it's Star Wars.

Christmas shopping for my mom is done!

2009-12-23T15:21:00.001-05:00

I bought this for my mom for Christmas because Asian moms absolutely love this sort of crap.

Holiday feeling

2009-12-17T21:16:00.000-05:00

By the way. I'm feeling the holidays.

Finders keepers

2009-12-17T20:43:00.008-05:00

While at job #2 the other day, I found this lying on the floor. AND IT WAS SIGNED ON THE BACK!!! The dude signed it! Don't people know that you don't sign checks until it's time to actually deposit them?

It's the closest I've ever been to owning an XBox 360. And though they don't know it. It's the closest my friends have ever been to a night of all you can eat pizza and all you can drink beer on me.

I tracked down the owner of the check and called him to let him know he lost a check and made him tell me how much the check was for to verify he was the owner. The weird thing is when I first had him on the phone he had no idea what I was talking about and then he says "Ohhhhhhh yeah...I forgot about that". Wealthy people really suck sometimes. When he came in to pick it up he was completely unappreciative. As a matter of fact he got annoyed that I made him show me his ID before I gave it to him. I didn't even lecture him about signing the back of check! He just took the check and left without saying thank you. I mean how hard is it to say thank you? It's two words. It's the word thank and the word you put together in one flowing sentence. Thank you. That's it. Just two words.

Oh well. I hope that guy is enjoying his XBox 360. And I hope his friends are enjoying their free pizza and beer.

As for me, I'm getting a free lunch and job #1 tomorrow.

Parnormal activity scares the shit out of me.

2009-12-14T10:13:00.003-05:00

If you look closely at this photo you can see a ghost!

The sweater vest look

2009-12-07T11:38:00.005-05:00

I look like a fucking idiot, don't I?

The small joys of being a parent

2009-12-06T18:52:00.002-05:00

Yesterday my daughter said to me "bye bye, I love you" after her mom picked her up and I headed off to job #2. It made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

Today my daughter said "bye bye, I love you" after she had flushed the toilet and watched her poop swirl off to poop heaven.

The joys of being a moron

2009-11-30T19:38:00.004-05:00

I was called a moron at job #2 by some dude within the first 1/2 hour of my shift. Oh the joys of working at a bar.

So the other day I was pooping and after I wiped my butt, the paper flew out of my hand and landed poop side down on the floor. And when I say the other day, I meant this morning.

Wow. I really am a moron.

It's better than nothing

2009-11-23T13:00:00.003-05:00

I asked for a raise at work. My director said no and then offered me a chocolate gelt.

I'm no fool. I took it.

Swimming is hard.

2009-11-17T11:03:00.007-05:00

I started swimming today as part of my daily workout routine. When did swimming become so freaking hard? Going up and down those lanes looks a whole lot easier on TV than it actually is.

Thankfully a nice layer of fat helped me stay afloat. Without it I would have drowned.

I need to get this off my hairless man boobed chest

2009-11-14T16:52:00.007-05:00

Let me bitch out loud for a second and tell you that these headphones suck ass. They fall out of my ears all the time and they sound like shit. Yes. I know there are people out there literally starving in the world. And yes. I understand that there are families out there who are losing their jobs, homes and life savings due to this shitty economy. And yeah, of course I know there's a whole crap load of unadopted puppies and kittens looking all sad faced in their cages waiting for someone to show up and adopt them, but no one ever will because they can't afford it. Yeah. I know all of this.

But can we focus on me for just a few seconds?

These headphones that came packaged with my trendy little mobile device keep falling out of my ears and I have to practically shove them into my ear holes to make them stay in. I mean how hard is it to make a decent pair of headphones? It's a total inconvenience and I'm tired of it. I just want headphones I can wear without always having to continually fix them. Look. Normally I'd go out and buy a new pair on my own. But good headphones are expensive, at least the real good ones are, and I can't afford them. And I want good headphones. So here's what I'm gonna ask from all of you, my loyal readers. All 10 of you. This includes the lurker who hates me for the jewbag comment. I'm gonna be a real selfish dick right now and I'm going it insist that my readers buy me good headphones. Yeah. I said it. Buy me the fucking headphones. And don't be cheap like my asshole brother. Spend a lot of money on my new headphones. But here's the thing. The money you'd spend on the GOOD headphones. I want you to instead donate to those starving people, the homeless and for fucks-sake would someone adopt a mother fucking puppy or kitten!!!!

By the way. If you lick your shitty headphones before popping them in your ear. They stay. It's amazing what you can learn on the internet. Did you know that women don't fart? That's what the internet told me.

Best Halloween costume ever!!!!

2009-10-30T10:22:00.003-04:00

Man with the homeless hand living in a cardboard box.

Halloween!

2009-10-27T14:44:00.005-04:00

I ran around last night looking for a Halloween costume because apparently it's what people do on Halloween. Didn't have much luck. But in all honesty I wasn't looking too hard. While on my quest I did stumble across this....
Somehow Hannaford got the rights to bastardize one of my favorite childhood memories. Fuckers.

I've been traveling a lot for work lately. That equates to working hard. Today was spent at home base. Sooo I did what anyone else would do. I plopped myself down in front of the campus fireplace and did some work. Life is hard. I know.

In case I don't post anything anytime soon. Have a safe and fun Halloween. If you see a cute little girl that looks a little bit like me dressed up as Snow White. Don't steal her candy. I will seriously fuck you up if you do.

Will someone buy me a portable neck traction thingy? Please?

2009-10-25T18:55:00.006-04:00

One of my favorite things about traveling the friendly skies is I get to catch up on the latest Sky Mall magazine. A collection of odd gizmos/knick knacks/gifts out there. And if you are someone trying to break into the modeling world and you do model for them, well you can pretty much consider it the kiss of death for your career. Here are some of my faves...

Turkish delight

2009-10-20T22:02:00.005-04:00

Really not much to mention today regarding todays adventure in Missouri other than the fact that I got a haircut from Turkish man. It was a first for me. You always remember your first time. While cutting my hair he told me I had an oddly shaped head. He kept saying in a heavy Turkish accent "your head..it's oddly shaped....you have a flat spot on the back...do you want me to cut it so it doesn't look so flat?" Wait...the back of my head is flat? No one ever told me that. The ladies at the JC Penny's Salon (don't judge) never told me it was flat. He took my hand and guided it over the flat spot. He was right. There's a flat spot. So I said sure...cut it so it looks good. Then he laughed. Bastard. Still. I liked him. He was a delight to talk with, and the back of my head doesn't look so flat.

Missouri likes company

2009-10-19T16:09:00.009-04:00

Sometimes job #1 requires a bit of traveling. This week is one of those times. Got up at 5AM and took a 3 hour flight out to St Louis and then a 2 hour shuttle ride to Columbus. Here are todays high points.

Here's the view from my seat. The guy sitting behind me kept making these sighing noises the whole time. And would then tap on the window. Dick.

At one point I got separated from my boss. This is me lost at the St Louis airport.

This is funny because it actually says Fort Howard, but someone changed the "o" in fort to make it say fart. And then someone added the letter "h" between the "w" and "a" in Howard to make it say How Hard. People sure are funny.

Apparently ASAP at the California Pizza Kitchen means I'll get to you when I'm done talking to my boyfriend.
This is me and the boss. We sat in the sun and waited for our shuttle driver who seems to have forgotten about most standard driving laws.

Update on my nuts

2009-10-16T16:42:00.001-04:00

They still ache.. But I got a cupcake. So, yeah. Life ain't so bad.

Your zucchini ain't shit.....AAAAND my nuts hurt

2009-10-16T09:34:00.005-04:00

As the world was fixated on the antics of balloon boy yesterday, I was more focused on a giant zucchini that was left in the break room at work the other day. I placed a small stack of pringles next to it to give you an idea of how big it is.

Side note regarding the pringles: I gave up on "owning" that can of pringles from a few days ago. Sadly I gave up and turned over the can to someone who I knew could show it who's boss.

Also in todays news..I think I actually busted a nut yesterday. As in...something isn't right down there. It hurts. A lot. I walked into a chair and caught the jewels on the edge. Didn't think much about it until this morning when I got out of bed and it felt like my gonads went ten rounds with and raccoon mad with rabies.

Here's something to look forward to. Next week I will be in Missouri all week for work. Photos and words will be posted here every night next week so check back. That way you'll be a part of the fun. Me and the boss are gonna tear it up out there.

Pringles party

2009-10-07T13:13:00.004-04:00

I'm about to show this can of Pringles who's the boss.

Bank fight

2009-10-01T14:36:00.009-04:00

I see what you are trying to do to me Adirondack Trust. I can see it loud and clear...and in 3D.

I battled the bank over a hundred dollar fee today and won. Ha!! I win. Victory is mine.

My Jewish apology

2009-09-21T19:38:00.005-04:00

Okay. So an apology is due for using the word jewbag in my last blog post. I had no idea it was so offensive. I was actually pretty surprised at the massive response I received for my use of the word jewbag. And when I say massive I actually mean two comments on the blog and four emails. Three of those emails came from the same friend (who is Jewish) calling me a Chinese retard and reminding me that I suck at video games. First off...I'm not Chinese and I'm not retarded. As for video games...yeah, I suck at those. The other email was from someone telling me my blog was lame. Oy vey.

So anyways. I'd like to take this moment to publicly apologize to the Jewish community and my readers for the use of the word jewbag.

While I am at it...here are some other long overdue apologies to other Jewish folks.

To the Jewish girl I dated back in HS - I'm sorry about getting you totally drunk on whiskey and then laughing when you puked it up along with the half a pound of M&M's.

To my Jewish ex girlfriends dad - I'm sorry I spilled yellow paint all over the roof and hood of your brand new red truck. Though technically I don't owe you an apology because I paid for the damages by working for you for an entire summer.

To the Jewish girl who was the cousin of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry we put a dead squirrel in your pocketbook. We thought it would be funny...which it was...to us.

To the Jewish parents of my Jewish friend back in 5th grade - I'm sorry I thew up half a container of Oreo cookies in your kitchen and then cried in the middle of the night because I was ashamed I ate half a box of cookies.

To my Jewish friend from middle school - I'm sorry for all the times we played spin the bottle and I would try to will the bottle to go past me so I wouldn't have to kiss you. Your breath smelled like tuna fish.

To my moms Jewish friend - I'm sorry I yelled at you when you walked in on me while I was pooping. It was my fault. I should have locked the door. Plus it was extra embarrassing because I was reading AARP Magazine.

I think that about covers it. I hope the Jewish community has it in their heart to forgive me. Now lets bust out the white fish salad and all hug.

Your accent sucks

2009-09-18T10:41:00.004-04:00

Someone I know who was born/raised in Upstate NY moved to England less than a year ago for a job. I recently ran into her when she came back to America to visit family and friends and she had the biggest bullshit English accent I've ever heard...and not some wanky Tony Blair accent. I'm talking a full heavy accent where I didn't know what the hell she was saying. So I am taking this time to call her out on this and tell her she's a dick for pulling this stupid stunt.

Oh, and one other thing. Happy Rosh Hashanah to all my Jewbag friends.

The Cummer

2009-09-10T19:45:00.006-04:00

There's a guy I work with a job #2 named Spencer. We call him "The Cummer" because one day he had a table of four sweet 50ish year old women. These women were supernice and were very happy with the service Spencer was providing. To show how much they appreciated him, they proceeded to give him a compliment which was meant to be very innocent, but to the deviant ear..it sounded pre-TAY pre-TAY pre-TAY dirty. They said he was a really great server because some servers come too quick. While others never come at all. Some come all the time over and over. But Spencer...he always comes at the right moment every single time.

Sidenote: I am laughing my ass off as I write this post. Yeah. I know. I'm immature.

In case you are wondering, my nickname at job #2 is Chuck Norris. Because Bruce Lee was a little too racist.

Never forget

2009-09-02T14:13:00.006-04:00

My friend Mark showed at my work today with this awesome turkey/cheddar sandwich complete with chips and Mug root beer for me. I took it outside to eat because it was a beautiful day. That beautiful moment was ruined when the bee's arrived. I swatted at them a few times but those fucking bastards kept coming back. I must have looked like an asshole running around with a turkey sandwich in one hand while swatting at bees with the other. Eventually it became too much to deal with and I ran inside like a coward. The only casualty was some of the cheese from my awesome sandwich. A piece fell out during the melee and was left behind. I love you cheese. You won't be forgotten.

Sometimes life forces you to make tough decisions

2009-09-02T09:36:00.001-04:00

Black pen or blue pen?

Google fail

2009-09-01T17:13:00.001-04:00

What the fuck google. Get your shit together. I need my email.

UPDATE:

I was just able to log into my gmail. All I got was an email from IKEA. Poop.

Sexy

2009-08-24T18:18:00.003-04:00

Look at that picture. I know what some of you are thinking. You think that cheeseburger looks disgusting. That's because you are probably a snob and don't know what a real cheeseburger is all about. This cheeseburger is wonderful. It's greasy..real greasy. The roll has been grilled and is absolutely delicious. The cheese is perfectly melted. The sauce is spicy, tangy and sweet all at the same time. Plus there's a small pile of grilled onions cooked right to the point where the natural sugars sneak out and make them nice and sweet. Oh...and it's served on a small paper plate...the way it was meant to be served. This cheeseburger is awesome. I got it on Caroline St at Hot Dog Charlies. Sure..the hot dogs are good. But the cheeseburgers are better. Watching someone eat one of these isn't pretty. But who wants pretty? I could eat two of them. I HAVE eaten two of them..plus fries.

In todays episode, I'm sick. I've got happy pills. My feet are tortured.

2009-08-23T14:53:00.007-04:00

This is the look of a sad and sick man. I've been sick for the last couple of days and last night I took the recommended dosage of NyQuil...and then stupidly I took another dose of NyQuil because I forgot I took it earlier. This was at around midnight last night. It is now almost 3PM the next day. I woke up about a little less than an hour ago. I basically slept for 14 hours. Luckily I didn't wet myself...which sort of sucks because that would be funny if I did. What really sucks is I still feel like shit.
Here is a photo of my new best friends during the day. These little yellow happy pills come from CVS and work better than any allergy/cold pill I've ever taken. Taking one will do the trick. Taking two will do the trick and then some. Taking three will comatose you....which I wouldn't recommend. Because you never know when you'll find yourself in a situation where you'll be operating heavy machinery.

These are the new flip flops I bought. How do you people wear these things? It's the most painful thing I've ever had on my feet. Having something crammed in between my toes hurts a shit-ton. Normally I don't wear flip flops because the reason being.....and this is true....what if I'm in a situation where I have to defend myself. Surely I can't do it in flip flops. Right? Plus the fact that I don't like shit between my toes. Anyways. Here are my new flip flops. I'm stupid. I know.

Good lord my feet are ugly.

tri-cornered candy necklace hat

2009-08-22T14:20:00.003-04:00

Remember when I was house sitting/dog watching for my friends? While I was cleaning up dog vomit and dog shit, they were off galavanting around the U.S. creating beautiful family memories. Well to show their appreciation for my hard work they gave me one of those awesome tri-cornered hats like they wore back in the colonial days. They also gave me a candy necklace..which I'm assuming they ate during the colonial days.

I gotta say. I look pretty damn good.

I'm a technical whiz

2009-08-19T11:29:00.009-04:00

My phone screen use to look like this...

After a jailbreak and uploading of other folders and such, it now looks like this.......

Look at that....I'm an adult prodigy.

Not really.

But I'm an adult idiot who knows how to follow instructions.
You can do the same to your phone by clicking here.

Life is boring so shuffle your iPod

2009-08-14T15:00:00.005-04:00

Out of sheer laziness to post anything about my day today..and the fact that I live an uninteresting life as you can tell from older posts. I've decided to show you the first 10 songs on my iPod when I put it on shuffle.

Trust me....this beats my original post about how I really think the USA Network has the best shows on television. Which is true. It does.

1) The English Beat - Save it for later

2) Hot Snakes - Braintrust

3) The Pernice Brothers - Dumb it down

4) The Jam - The Place I love

5) Fugazi - Provisional

6) Phoenix - Girlfriend

7) Sebadoh - Magnets coil

8) Lenka - The show

9) Saves The Day - Freakish

10) Beulah - A good man is easy to kill

Happy Birthday to my daughter

2009-08-10T21:08:00.003-04:00

My daughter turned 3 years old today!

While we were at the bookstore today she turned to me and asked me if it was still her birthday. She's the cutest thing ever.

Yes Gwen...it is STILL your birthday!

Best Of the Best - B.O.B.

2009-08-10T20:57:00.004-04:00

The following things have been said to me in the last week.

This is what a Russian dude said to me after meeting me:
"Your name is Bob.....Best Of the Best. B.O.B."

This is what my friend Alex said to me the other day out of the blue:
Alex: Hey Bob
Me: Yes Alex.
Alex: ...you have a fuzzy teddy bear personality.
Me: Umm...thanks?
Alex: No Bob..this isn't a good thing.

It's not porn...but it's close.

2009-08-07T16:56:00.003-04:00

I know...two video posts in a row. I'm sorry. Won't happen again. But this one is fun. Imagine two dudes wearing bacon skirts doing kung fu moves and beating each other with sausage nun-chucks. Because this is exactly that. Pretty much every mans dream.

Hitler finds out Michael Jackson has died

2009-07-29T12:23:00.002-04:00

Found this gem here. Just thought I'd share the fun.

Birthday

2009-07-28T12:20:00.004-04:00

I celebrated my 40th birthday yesterday. The average lifespan of a male is 74.5 years. If my math calculations are right that puts me at more than half way to being dead. :(

Knife fight vs mini golf

2009-07-27T13:36:00.004-04:00

During an email thread about what we can do at job #1 for a staff team building exercise, I jokingly suggested a knife fight instead of mini golf.

My director responded with the following:

"I can understand how the knife fighting has relevance to what we do here but putting a ball into a clown's nose.......well......maybe it does apply".

I have one of the best jobs ever.

Confession

2009-07-26T10:34:00.004-04:00

You think I'm listening to music or watching a movie. I'm actually not listening to anything at all. I just don't want to talk to you.

P.S. I look lame in this green polo shirt. I wish I was wearing something different.

Nerd Alert!!

2009-07-24T14:16:00.011-04:00

Yeah..I admit it. I'm a bit of a nerd. So much of a nerd that when I was a little kid I had 7 different pairs of Star Wars underwear so I could show my loyalty all week long. Good god, I spent a huge chunk of my childhood sitting on Luke Skywalkers face. Anyhoo, this years Comic Con gave attendees a sneak peak at another of my childhood nerdy obsessions. The long awaited Tron sequel titled Tron Legacy. Someone managed to sneak a camera in and recorded it for all us non attendees. It's grainy like a bigfoot photo but you get the idea. Looks pretty awesome.

You know, when I think back on my childhood underwear, I remember wearing them until there was basically nothing left them. It was like one half Darth Vader, the other half my ass.

UPDATE: In case you actually care, they officially released the trailer in HD. Clickie here.

Breakfast of Champions

2009-07-24T09:34:00.004-04:00

I would bet good money that Tom Cruise eats this combo every morning. He's successful.

Karma

2009-07-23T18:33:00.006-04:00

I threw money into this tip jar expecting some good karma. What I got was a stomach ache. Boo.

I imagine if I could grow a mustache, it would look a little like this.....

2009-07-23T08:12:00.002-04:00

I got double teamed by puke and shit

2009-07-19T00:30:00.006-04:00

Photo taken before things went wrong.

Dizzy is the top and Digger is at the bottom.

I'm taking care of my friends two black labs while they are away for a couple of weeks. Dizzy is a rambunctious 3 years old and Digger is a wise 14 years old. All I have to do is feed them, give em water and walk them. Basically keep em alive until they come back. I got a list of numbers in case of an emergency as well as details about the daily care of the dogs and what to watch for. One of the details was the dogs will take advantage of any situation that involves food. Being the imbecile that I am, I accidentally didn't secure the lid on the dog food one morning leaving them alone with an all you can eat buffet. While I was at work, the two dogs got into the dog food and ate what looked to be about half of a forty pound bag of food. And when I returned I walked into what I can only describe as the scariest thing I've ever seen (this vision would soon become the second most scariest thing I've ever seen). There were piles and piles of puke and shit everywhere. The dogs ate themselves sick and then crapped all over the floor. It was everywhere. I can handle puke. And I can handle shit. Trust me. I've had my fair share of both. But I can't handle puke and shit together. But I did what I had to do and cleaned up the mess and moved on. What I didn't realize was that was just round one of an ugly two round fight.

Round two came the next day when the food they didn't puke up or shit out yesterday, made it's way through their system and eventually out their ass. Only this time it came out like a bat out of hell. Because those dogs crapped...I mean CRAAAAPPED...and those poor dogs PUKED. This site quickly made yesterday seem like a picnic. I had no idea it was even possible to crap that much and that big. It was like they crapped out a litter of puppies made out of turd. And to add to the situation, there was still undigested food in their bellies...which they threw up next to, away from, and on top of the litter of puppies made out of turd. And to really make matters worse, I was under the impression that they puked and shat all of the food the day before. So I fed them that morning. Which meant there was even more food being puked up. Imagine what 20 pounds of shit and puke would look like and then imagine you cleaning it up. While I was cleaning it up I was actually able to see what food was consumed that morning and what food was consumed yesterday. Same goes for the shit. I had no idea that puke and shit could mingle like that. It was everywhere. In the end I had a garbage full of puke and shit. I got double teamed by puke and shit.

It's been a day since round two. So far the dogs seem to be in good spirits and healthy..and oddly enough....hungry. You'd think a day of puking and shitting may keep you from eating. Nope. Not these dogs. These dogs a true champs.

Party

2009-07-16T14:53:00.006-04:00

Not sure what I missed but I'm glad I wasn't invited.

Albany, NY

2009-07-12T11:15:00.005-04:00

I took this photo almost a year ago and forgot all about it until I stumbled across it this morning. It looks like someone nuked Albany.

I could really go for a couple of hot dogs and fries.

New haircut

2009-07-10T15:53:00.004-04:00

You know how you get a haircut and you walk out thinking you look pretty good. And then days later you realize your new haircut looks like shit.

I got this haircut a couple of days ago.

It's possible

2009-07-09T15:04:00.005-04:00

I imagine this conversation is happening somewhere in the world after someone wakes from being in a coma since 1983.

Coma patient: So wait...Steve Perry left Journey? And he made a solo record that SOUNDS just like Journey. And Journey replaced Steve Perry with a guy named Steve Augeri who SOUNDS just like Steve Perry.

Doctors: Yes.

Just overheard this conversation on the patio at Uncommon Grounds

2009-07-08T20:30:00.003-04:00

Woman #1: I don't like that shit.

Woman #2: Did you say shit or sheets?

Woman #1: I said shit.

Woman #3: Are you talking about sheeps?

Woman #2: No, sheets.

Woman #1: No, I said shit.

Woman #3: Hahaha..I thought you said shit.

Woman #1: I DID say shit! Hahahahah!

All women then laugh together.

See. Don't you wish you were hanging out with me?

The not so good looking waiter

2009-07-05T17:42:00.006-04:00

I have two jobs. Job #1 at Skidmore College and job #2 as a server at a restaurant in downtown Saratoga. This story is about job #2.

So me and this other dude named Alex (who happens to be an awesome dude) were the closing servers last night. Alex had a table full of obnoxious idiots who were doodling on paper while they drank their semi-expensive wine, being loud and disruptive to the entire bar. They hung out for about an hour and then left leaving their doodles on the table knowing we'd look at them. One of them was titled "the not so good looking waiter - NOT ALEX". Ouch!! Hey, I know I'm not a good looking guy. It's okay. I've looked at this face every morning for years. Trust me. I know I'm not good looking but you don't have to tell me. So what did I do to you guys to provoke you guys to so mean? I wasn't even your waiter. I didn't even go near your table. Basically you were being mean JUST to be mean. So since we're gonna go down this road of being mean I have a couple of remarks about all of you. Hey..you guys opened up this can of worms, not me. I know no one from that table will read this..but it'll make me feel a tidbit better by getting this off of my chest.

edited on 7/6/09
Yeah..so I edited this part a bit. Because even though they were being mean to me..it doesn't mean I have to SCORCHING mean to them. So I scaled it back a bit.

To the lady in the turquoise dress:

That dress you wore was either too small or you were too fat for it.

To the lady in the white dress:

Your ankles were bigger than your head.

To the gent:

Triple chins are hot. No. Really.

What people don't seem to understand is that we're only there to help you. To serve you. To make your dining experience enjoyable. I'm not there to win a beauty contest. I'm there to make a some extra money by making sure your evening goes well. Just because you are tipping us at the end of your dining experience doesn't mean you can be shitty to me or any other server. And it definitely doesn't mean you can leave a note at your table telling me that I'm "not so good looking".

To make myself feel better I tried to coax my daughter into telling me that I was handsome. She refused and instead told me I looked like a monkey and then laughed.

I sure do love that kid.

Loathing leads to suffering. Suffering leads to egg and cheese sandwiches.

2009-07-02T10:19:00.006-04:00

I was telling someone today that American poet Henri Cole hates me. Which is true. He does. He's actually hated me since last year..at least I think he hates me. For all I know he has no idea who I am and it's all in my head. But here's the story of his hatred. Henri Cole is a faculty member here at the Summer Writers Institute where I work and he got upset with me last year because I didn't dedicate an entire section of the bookstore to his books. In an attempt to let him know why we couldn't give him an entire section I called him Henry instead of Henri. He quickly stopped me in my tracks and said it's pronounced On-Ree and then gave me a deathly stare. How was I suppose to know that's how you pronounced it? Anyways, I saw him this morning on campus and he gave me that same deathly stare. The kind of stare that said I hate you. Then someone pointed out to me that since he's a poet he probably doesn't hate me. He most likely loathes me.

On a positive note, my co-worker just gave me an egg and cheese sandwich on a hardroll.

I can see!

2009-06-30T10:40:00.003-04:00

I just realized that if I wore my glasses, which I've owned for over a year now, I can actually see things better. Funny how that works.

Desk is still a mess but I'm working on it. I know it looks worse but I swear, I'm working on it.

Sheer madness

2009-06-28T13:39:00.005-04:00

What the hell is going on in this world!

First Farrah Fawcette, then Michael Jackson...now Billy Mays!!!

When will all this madness end! When!!! How many people have to die before this all stops!!

In other news...

My feet hurt.

Casual Friday

2009-06-26T10:10:00.002-04:00

Nothing says casual like a douchy looking polo shirt.
Enjoy your Friday everyone.

Seven inches of hot beef

2009-06-25T13:41:00.007-04:00

Commercially right. Morally wrong.

Stains

2009-06-22T14:42:00.005-04:00

Not sure if you can see em. But I'm pointing at two stains on my shirt. I thought they were from today but they are not. I put on a dirty shirt this morning even though I have a closet full of clean shirts. Why? No idea. Though I have a sneaking suspicion that it's because I was feeling lazy and didn't want to iron a shirt.

I actually remember getting those stains. The one on the left was from french onion soup and the one on the right is from a french fry disaster. As for the stain on my face....well that isn't a stain at all. It's 2 weeks of facial hair growth. I'm in summer mode baby. Summer mode.

My desk is a mess. I know.

Scary Owl

2009-06-22T12:57:00.004-04:00

Man, I love being a father. Yesterday was Fathers Day and me and my almost 3 year old daughter played a game that she made up called Scary Owl. Rules are simple. One person pretends to be asleep. The other person pretends to be a scary owl and hoots and howls until the sleeping person wakes up. It ends when both the sleeping person and the scary owl are screaming at a very loud volume. It was the most fun I've ever had.

Just thought I'd share a little.

What the hell was in that bag?

2009-06-17T19:12:00.010-04:00

In an attempt to be a nice person today I ended up being a bad person. I held the door open for a woman today and as she approached the door she gave me a look, which looked more like a snarl, and told me she didn't need help from a man and that it was typical of a me to assume that she needed the door held. So like any good man, I let go of the door and walked away. The door closed on her bag that apparently had something special in it and crushed whatever it was. I heard this sound that sounded like a plastic cup being crushed and then she lost her shit and started screaming about the contents of her bag. Once the door had her bag thoroughly pinned she then started to cry. I tried to help her but she told me to go away and then threw a pen at me. Luckily for me she had lousy aim and missed me because that pen could have easily been a hatchet. Or bullet.

See what happens when you try to be nice.

Not the actual angry pen throwing woman.

Photo borrowed from my friend Ally's blog to help you get a mental image of what occurred today. Just imagine an angry face instead of the face of a happy grandma who just gave you a birthday card with your name misspelled and a dollar in it.

I promise to love it every day.

2009-06-13T14:59:00.004-04:00

Will someone please get me one of these?

I promise to never get it wet.
I promise to keep it out of bright lights...especially sunlight.
And I promise to never, EVER feed it after midnight.

Keep the change you filthy animal

2009-06-13T09:08:00.004-04:00

When I say help...I actually mean a turkey/bacon/avocado sandwich. And when I say send, I actually mean buy me one.

Please.

Dear lord. Why.

2009-06-11T14:46:00.005-04:00

Not sure what movie they are filming, but this photo alone tells me it's gonna suck. Just saying.

hamburger cupcakes

2009-06-06T14:34:00.006-04:00

I can't say I came up with the idea, because I didn't. I actually saw these on a foodie blog (can't remember who) a few months ago and thought it would be a fun thing for me and my daughter to do.

I think they came out pretty dang cute. Almost as cute as my daughter. Actually...that's not true because my daughter is pretty freaking cute. She laughed so hard when we finished making the cupcakes and then proceeded to run around the house yelling "hamburger cupcakes" over and over.

Damn you

2009-06-04T11:21:00.001-04:00

I hate you for being so delicious.

Open letter

2009-05-25T12:38:00.002-04:00

I have a message for the ungrateful man sitting a few yards from me bitching out loud to his wife and kid about why he has to spend the day at the park with them when he could be home watching baseball.

Fuck you.

I almost died from cancer, almost.

2009-05-19T21:59:00.012-04:00

I went to the doctor to have him look at weird rash on my back. He said it wasn't a rash..was a bit concerned and then did a biopsy and told me to come back in two weeks for the results.

So it's two weeks later. Here's a picture of me waiting at the doctors office to see if I was going to die from cancer. Noticed the tired look on my face. That's because I couldn't sleep. I was up all night trying to figure how I was going to react when the doctor walked into the room and said "its positive...you have cancer...you only have days left....I'm sorry". There are only so many ways you can react when you get news of this magnitude. You could be angry and just yell "WHY WHY WHY!!" and then start busting shit up inside the doctors office in hopes that the doctor will tranquilize you. Or you could sob uncontrollably and look like real douche in front of the doctor. Or you could be calm, walk out of the doctors office and be pissed that you might not make it to see how LOST will end next year. I figured I'd keep my dignity and just remain calm. Plus I was too tired from the night before and wasn't sure if I had the energy to throw anything around. I had the doctor take a photo of me with my camera before he told me the results. He seemed pretty excited about the idea. Turns out it was just a weird form of eczema.

I told someone the good news and he thought I should celebrate by going skydiving. I don't understand why people think jumping out of a plane is living life or living on the edge. That's just seems stupid to me. I mean you could die. You want to live on the edge? Try taking a shit in a public restroom at a place with lots of traffic and not locking the door. That's living on the edge.

Squirrel attack!!

2009-05-12T16:24:00.004-04:00

This cute little baby squirrel almost tore my friends face off the other day. The thing was no bigger than a cellphone..yet totally fearless. I was able to walk right up to it and snap this photo of the beast before it charged us. We screamed and ran like babies down the street. Not me. My friend. Not sure why I said we.

Love You Mom!

2009-05-10T21:28:00.008-04:00

Click image for larger view. Don't stare.

I thought this was a little weird. I was walking around the mall today and stumbled across this window display at Victoria's Secret promoting something for Mothers Day. It's a giant photo of a busty half naked girl with the words "Love you Mom!" on it. Is it me or is that weird? I got three different takes out of this.

1) Mom bought daughter hot sexy lingerie and daughter took a photo of herself to send to mom to prove to mom how hot and sexy daughter looks in it with a note that says "Love you Mom!". To me that's a little weird.

2) Its telling you to buy lingerie for your mom so she can look hot and sexy..just like the girl in the photo. Who the fuck buys their mom sexy lingerie?

3) This photo is a photo of your hot single mom in her lingerie. In which case, if it is.....is there any chance she's into sad lonely guys who happen to still be in love with their ex-wife and has a daughter that he loves more than anything. Guys who can't seem to move forward with their life because they're holding on to hope that their ex would take em back, and would be okay with being dumped immediately if the ex-wife took them back. If so...then you should have her contact me....because I might know someone. He's a friend of mine.

You live in Manhattan cocktail?

2009-05-10T10:21:00.012-04:00

I love it when people say they live in New York city and then when you ask where in the city do they live they respond with...well..I'm actually outside of the city. Well what is it. You either live in the city or you don't.

Speaking of NYC....my new summer drink is the Manhattan cocktail, which isn't very summer-like at all..at least I don't think of them as being very summer-like. When I think of Manhattans I think of old relatives who have been dead for years or guys like Frank Sinatra and Sammy Davis Jr(FYI: They are dead too). Not hanging out on a patio somewhere downtown on a nice sunny summer afternoon sipping drinks with your buds. I'm embracing my old age. But at the same time I'm being a pioneer. I'm the new old and it's gonna be the summer of the Manhattan cocktail.

So today is mothers day. I have a mother. My daughter has a mother. I will be out doing all the things that celebrate mothers. Speaking of my daughter...I love her.

"What are you?"

2009-05-02T12:57:00.006-04:00

I don't know who's who in this photo.

"What are you?" Yeah, I get that question a lot.

It's a known fact that all Asian people look the same. Even the halvesies like me. There's even a website dedicated to this phenomenon.
www.alllooksame.com

I never really thought about it until recently when on Thursday night I was out a local drinking establishment drowning my lonely lonely sorrows in an ice cold beer....where there happens to be a guy who works there...who happens to be Asian. And this guy (not the Asian guy. A white guy-JUST SAYIN!) who I don't know comes up and says "Oh hey, you work here". And I responded with "no, sorry. I don't. You must be confusing me with the OTHER Asian guy in the room who DOES work here". The guy sort of looked embarrassed and then I felt like a huge douche. So I quickly turned it around and we talked about how nice the weather was. Yeah. Awkward.

But then the next day I was at Walmart getting some prescriptions filled (only $5 bucks there!) and this girl that I know...well sort of know. I actually know her brother. But this girl comes up and says (while she's on the phone talking to someone else)"Hey George..how are you? How are you and Brittany doing?" Okay...a little background for all of you. The George she is speaking of is this OTHER Asian guy who lives in town and is dating this girl Brittany. So to spare this girl from total embarrassment, I tell her that I am fine but Brittany and I broke up because she found my stash of anime porn in a box labeled "kitchen utensils". And before I even get a chance to tell her I'm kidding she starts to run off and says "Thats sooooo wonderful....good to see you....chow" and goes off continuing with her phone call. I bet she wasn't even paying attention to me. Asian people get no respect.

In case you ever wondered if there was some sort of hierarchy in the Asian world. Here it is. Well, according to my friends mom who's Chinese (atleast I think they're Chinese).

1) Chinese
2) Japanese
3) Korean
The rest are all fabled creatures.

Cumby Stache

2009-04-29T08:34:00.008-04:00

I know some of you find this hard to believe but I do shave. As a matter of fact I've been shaving for a few years now. Granted, I shave about once a month. It has something to do with my heritage. But hey, I'm shaving. The beard/stach, or as my friend use to call it, my *cumby stache was getting a tad thick so I got up extra early to shave off my facial growth.

I know you might not think it's possible. But I swear. Since I shaved, I think I can run faster now.

Check out that razor. It's a state of the art Gillette Fusion. Same razor that Tiger Woods and Roger Federer uses. Those guys are champions. I feel like a champion when I shave.

*A cumby stache is what you find on the faces of those weird pre-teens that hang out in front of your local Cumberland Farms mini mart on weekends.

Final Chipotle update

2009-04-27T15:05:00.003-04:00

One barbacoa (shredded beef) burrito went into my mouth and never had a chance.

Chipotle update

2009-04-25T10:34:00.011-04:00

So Chipotle opened up finally and haven't made it over yet. I even missed free burrito day. Sad. I know. So I guess there is no REAL update other than the fact that they've opened their doors to the public and I wasn't there to cut the ribbon. But I'm sort of glad I didn't go because I heard there were long lines that looked like this.....

In case you are bored at work and need a little food inspiration, check out this site. Some guy scans his delicious sandwiches so we can all cry while we choke down our shitty lifeless slice of pizza. Yeah. Lifeless pizza is a real moral killer.
www.scanwiches.com

This is what I look at a good portion of the day.

2009-04-22T09:09:00.003-04:00

Now get over here and do my work.

My new official eating theme song

2009-04-20T21:20:00.007-04:00

I'll be singing this song when I'm at Chipotle cramming a burrito into my face.

But seriously. This song kind of kicks ass.

Watch Nom Nom Nom Song on CollegeHumor

Open letter to skateboarders who cause havok in local parking lots across America.

2009-04-19T15:19:00.004-04:00

I am amazed at how obnoxious you are considering I've never seen any of you pull off a trick. Ever.

Chipotle update

2009-04-16T23:13:00.002-04:00

Wow. It's beautiful. The signs says burritos are 100% off on April 23. That's free for all of you art majors.

My evening

2009-04-16T23:08:00.006-04:00

My hair was getting long and I looked like shit. So after work I went over to the place where miracles can happen to sad people like me. JC Pennys! You can get everything there. I saw people buying clothes, while others where buying one of those toasters that turns two pieces of bread and whatever you cram between them into homeade hot pockets. Me....I got a haircut!

Before

After

I look lame. I know.

Fish is meat and my name is as red, white and blue as the American flag

2009-04-15T21:07:00.007-04:00

Hey vegetarians. You should know that fish are animals. Therefore they are meat. I don't get people who say they are a vegetarian but eat fish. It just doesn't make sense to me.

You know what else I don't get. I wasn't born in this country yet I have the most American name out of all of my American born friends. This little fact was pointed out to me today by this lady.

Awww crap

2009-04-13T21:05:00.008-04:00

I forgot my mothers birthday today. God I'm such an asshole. I've been so freaking out of my mind these last couple of weeks. I'm not sure if it's because of the lack of sleep lately, stress or the long hours at work. Apparently I was texting and calling people in my sleep last night at 4AM. I noticed it when I went to turn the alarm off on my phone and I could see my outgoing texts. I was freaking horrified to see text messages being sent by me at 4AM. Some made sense, some didn't. I also looked at my call log this morning and was even more horrified to see some of names on the list of my early morning sleep dialing. I spent part of the day calling and texting people to apologize. Which is weird because I was apologizing about the calling and texting. The thing is I vaguely remember waking up at around 4AM panicking about work. So I'm guessing thats when things happened. Crap. So anyways..yeah. I forgot my moms birthday.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM!
Much love,
Your idiot son will make it up to you when I get some free time - Edited on 4/14/09 for the sake of not making people sad.

By the way, that's my new name from now on.

P.S. The ice cream I ate earlier today is giving me a belly ache. :(